I have been in a serious relationship with B for over a year. Punctuality was among the major issues in our relationship woes. While punctuality was one of my weaknesses (I was seldom punctual for most of my appointments or dates!), B values punctuality very much.
The incident I will be describing took place four months ago. It was Friday afternoon when B asked me out to catch a movie with him. As I did not have any plans that evening, I agreed to meet him at 7pm at Dhoby Ghaut MRT Station.
However, I had an urgent assignment to attend to an hour after I hung up the call from B. Figuring that I would be able to complete the task and manage to meet him on time, I did not find the need to inform B about the situation.
Alas, it was already 6:20pm after I completed the assignment. As I rushed off to the bus stop, I sent a short message to B, letting him know the possibility of me being late, while assuring him that I was making my way there, hoping that he would understand. I felt rather uneasy as there were past incidences when I was late for our dates - he often showed visible signs of annoyance.
I was aghast when I discovered the long lines of vehicles caught in the heavy traffic jam as I reached the bus stop. Needless to say, I was late for the date again!
I arrived at the MRT station at 7:20pm. B was waiting for me impatiently at the main entrance. Suddenly - as I approached him - B took long quick strides away from me. I stood rooted at my position, utterly stunned by his behaviour. Several moments passed before anger surged through me. I was furious at B for being unreasonable and for not giving me the opportunity to explain myself before jumping to conclusions. At that instant, I stormed back to the MRT platform and took the next train home.
A couple of days passed and there was still no news from B. If you were in my shoes, what would you do to tackle this situation? Or even better, what could be done to prevent this episode from happening?
We have resolved this issue sometime back but I would like to listen to your opinion. Some parts of the story have been modified to suit the needs of this blog entry.
On second thoughts, looking back at the title of the entry, was this even a date? =)
UCS1001 MME Tri2 2023-24 Dynamic Thinkers
4 weeks ago
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Val!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting post.
To be honest, I value B's priciple of punctuality too. I hate waiting for people, only when it's without a valid reason. It could be a waste of precious time. Therefore, you can always be sure to see me carrying some reading materials with me wherever I go! =)
Alright, back to your issue. Specific to your story, I think B overreacted. He should give you the chance of explaining yourself. Moreover, you did tell him that you may be late.
However, the solution to a problem is not to blame anyone. Therefore, in order to tackle this problem effectively, perhaps you could call B after few days. Usually, it would take sometime to approach a fuming person. Best is to wait for a suitable time to bring the issue up. He may be more rationale by then and realise his mistake too.
Emotionally intelligent also means empathising with others. To illustrate this point, you can also think from B's point of view. He may be frustrated as this is not the first time that you have been late for your meetings. Having said that, you can include this in your conversation with him days later. I am sure he'll be glad to know that you should have considered his feelings too.
In your case, I wouldn't say it is your fault because you were busy with an important assignment before the date. Therefore, to have effective communication in future, maybe you could call B instead of sending him a short SMS. Your sincerity will definitely be projected through your voice. Remember non-verbal communication? :)
Hey Valarie
ReplyDeleteI guess I can understand why B was angry. He was probably annoyed since this was a recurring problem. However, he should have handled the situation better instead of walking away from you.
With that said, I understand that you were angry but I do not know if you should have returned home at that point of time. It probably made the situation worse. Then again if you stayed on, you might have ended up fighting in public but these are all what ifs.
If I were you, I would have call and attempt to apologise to him a day or so after the incident. I guess someone needs to take the first step and why not you. After that, I would try to be early for the next few dates at least. Hee hee. Punctuality isn't my strong suit too but I'm working on it.
Geraldine
Hey Valerie
ReplyDeleteLet me share some input since I've been in B's position and had done almost exactly the same thing. The only difference was my girlfriend did not take the train back.
You have to understand what is going through the guys head when he stomped away. The first thing that comes to his head probably is you lied about leaving the house already. Another thing that might be going through his head is that you are taking him for granted and that's why you are perpetually late. No one likes to be waiting for someone else. What do you want me to do in the process of waiting? If you know that is a bad feeling why do you put me through this?
With all that said i believe that his actions was to show you how unhappy he is. It seems like its common for guys to let their rage get their head. Forgive us its the testosterone kicking in. However I feel that by going home rather than chasing up to apologize would aggrevate the whole issue. Instead use the soft approach. I personally recommend hug therapy. That would immediately take off the pressure and at the same time satisfy his ego. Even if you don't feel like it just do it because you are the one that was late in the first place.
The last thing is to let this be a precious lesson learnt because being late is obviously a bad habit and the sooner you kick the habit the better.
Ok got to run... Late for my meeting with my friends later.
Cheers
See Chai
I totally understand B's frustrations since this is a repeated 'offense'. But if you two had not spoken about this problem before this episode, it was not too wise of B to walk away.
ReplyDeleteFor one thing, I would not have returned home right away. I was late, I was in the wrong, so I would make sure B hears my story and apologies.
If I did leave, I would make the apologies call maybe some time the next day. Both would have needed the night to cool down, to think, and to formulate the next move.
Hello! Thanks for all your comments!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'd like to clarify that I did not leave for home with the next train, I stayed. The scenario was described just to give more conflict towards the story, although I was indeed rather upset throughout the whole night. Oh well! =)
@ Steph: Yes, it's wise to approach someone after a few days. After all, he may have thought it throughout the few days and could be more reasonable then. Indeed, I believe both parties should be empathatic to each other's feelings and not let fury get over their head. He probably had a tough day at work, and it can be rather stressful being caught in the traffic jam.
@ Geraldine: Thanks for your comment, but I don't really agree with the "fighting in public" part. I believe that people our age know better than hanging our dirty linen in public! =) I'd probably swallow my anger and only bring it up once we are behind closed doors. Oh, and good luck working on that habit! I believe I have kicked that habit after this incident.
@ See Chai: It's nice to know what is going on behind a guy's head. My guy friends (some of them) gave really ridiculous comments. Something like it's natural for guys to wait for girls. =.=" It was indeed a very precious lesson learnt. I don't think I was late for anything after that, even for my lectures!
@ Iris: It's true that if one doesn't tell another what s/he dislikes about, one shouldn't assume the other party knows what s/he is thinking.
Not only have I learnt the importance of punctuality after this incident, I believe effective communication skills play a part too. First of all, I could have informed him about the situation and ask for a later time for the date. I should not underestimate the unforeseen circumstances. Given the situation, I am sure he would understand.
Effective communication skill not juz play a part, its a key role to maintaining a healthy relationship with anyone and everyone.
ReplyDeletewhile it is easy to understand why you were angry with his attitude, you need to remind yourself who is at fault and swallow the humble pie more graciously. i've been in the shoes of both sides. (de last time i waited for an hour at a MRT station, i got a box of choco for compensation and when there's a slight chance of being late, do keep sending Sms n make calls to express utmost regret at de delay, it pacifies ppl and keep your conscience slightly more clear)
hehe :p
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello Val! I'm one of those that value punctuality a lot too so I understand the pain of waiting.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have to disagree with See Chai in the part that she lied about leaving her house early. Sometimes, we just cannot help if when last minute stuffs crop up. If this happened to me, I would call him right after I realised that I had stuffs to finish and ask to meet later. If I forgot to inform the person beforehand, I would have kept texting the person to apologise until I reach. |:
Wow! Another bf-gf bruising! It's interesting that my mood has been a bit glum since I've been reading about everyone's problems! Yours is one of the last for me to read in our class.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about your problem, as you've described (quite well, clearly and concisely) it, is that the solution seems so obvious. Wouldn't it have been enough to call B?
You have certainly generated lots of interest in your post. Thanks for sharing!